Pardon the reference to a curse word in my title, but people, this is a straight up real talk post. This weekend, I spent some time with some old friends at a wedding. The wedding was a 2+ hour drive away, so it was a long time in a car on the way back for us to just talk about life. The good things, the bad things, the confusing things, and everything in between. Honestly? It was both a liberating discussion and a bothersome one.
I discovered that I’m not alone – there are others in my life, close to my age, that also spend some of their time having absolutely no idea what they’re doing in their life. This was the liberating part – the bothersome part? The fact remains that, at times, I literally have no. idea. what I’m doing. And I’m really trying really hard to figure it out…and some days I get a little more figured out and some days I don’t. One step forward, two steps back.
Granted, there are factors that increase these thoughts, and I have to take that into consideration. I just went to a wedding, so going to a another wedding single as hell doesn’t make being single any easier. It’s the holidays, so it’s harder to be alone and easy to think about what you don’t have because everything others have that you don’t is brought to the forefront during the holidays. Another factor is my birthday, which is a week away. It’s my 26th, which is officially the last year of my mid-twenties and first year of my late twenties. Regardless of the fact that I don’t really have a life plan anymore, each birthday brings the question of, “Okay am I where I thought I’d be at this birthday?” And this year the answer to that question is…kind of.
There’s also the fact that I have been described as “stupid happy,” “a human ray of sunshine,” and I am about as extroverted as extroverted can get. I own a house, I have a good job, I have seriously the best family on the planet, I have a functioning car, I’m healthy enough to move around and walk from place to place, and I’m doing well for myself at my age. Combine all of those things together, and there’s no excuse for me not to have things figured out. There’s this sense of pressure (that I mostly put on myself), that I have to have my life together, and I have to know the answers, and I just have to be patient with the things in my life I don’t have yet, and that I haven’t figured out yet.
There are times when I totally have it. When I’m away from the office and a coworker calls, and I can tell them exactly what booth number their client is in without looking at a single document, I’m on it. When my 11 year old cousin smiles at the prospect of hanging out with me on her Friday night, I feel like I’ve done something right. When I look at my incredible family? I know it’s gonna be fine.So it’s not all bad. But there are times, boy are there times, when I feel crippled at your inability to answer life’s questions. And even more crippled at the fact that I don’t know if I’ll ever have the answer to them, or worse, the answers aren’t going to be the answers I want them to be. Here’s a good list of some of those questions I’ve faced recently.
Why won’t this damn mouse die?
Was buying the house a mistake?
Is it okay that I’m in credit card debt?
Is it okay that I’m going to continue to be in credit card debt?
Is it okay that sometimes, I can’t help it, I just need El Mezcal?
Speaking of food, how much longer can I eat like crap and not gain any more weight?
Why do I continue to not use my complimentary gym membership?
Is this why I’m single?
Wait…why am I single?
Is is the Disney music?
Is it the Harry Potter addiction?
Is it the obsession with Christmas?
How many dating apps is too many?
Is three dating apps where I should draw the limit?
What if God’s plan doesn’t include a husband and children?
Surely He wouldn’t put this desire in my life to not have it right?
Do I need to change my online profile?
Do I even have time to date?
I should stop the dating thing til after the holidays and Bridal Fair, shouldn’t I?
Bridal Fair is going to be good this year, right?
Have I answered everybody’s questions at work?
Will I be good to go before the holidays?
How the hell am I going to answer these questions at Thanksgiving with my family if I can’t even answer them to myself?
Am I a good enough daughter?
Am I a good enough sister? Granddaughter? Niece? Cousin? Friend?
It’s okay that this year’s Christmas presents is a little lighter haul right?
Does anybody else struggle with sticking to their budget?
It is a vicious cycle that just repeats over and over in my brain. Before anyone reads this and thinks, “Oh my gosh she’s really struggling, she needs help,” it probably sounds worse in black and white than it really is. Because like I said earlier…I do have a good job, I am a homeowner, and I am generally very much an optimistic person. But lately, I have been struggling with all of the above questions. The struggles can tie into so many parts of my life (faith, upbringing, life experiences, friendships, etc), but that would take far more words than I can continue to write right now.
The easiest way I’ve found to help with the fact that I don’t have answers to my questions are to stick to my vices, many of which I’ve been able to have while writing this post (I’ve been writing this for three hours). Vices like chocolate…talking to my mom on the phone…listening to music (especially Alan Menken’s instrumental Disney soundtracks)…and blogging. This blog is my therapy. And sometimes, I just need a little therapy session with myself to know that it’s okay…it’s really okay…that I don’t have my sh*t together.